Of course, no one really thinks that an occupation of zombies is
actually going to happen. Then again, the Captain of the Titanic probably wasn't considering the peril of icebergs when he took the job. There
are several unobtrusive measures you can take as a homeowner to protect your
home and family from hordes of the undead. There are also a few things a person
can do to eliminate as many of the zombies as possible.
Windows and
doors are a home's weakest points and are the most susceptible to admitting the
brain-eating pests. Steel doors and a minimum of two deadbolts on each exterior
door are a wise investment. If money is no issue, a panic room somewhere inside
the house is an excellent Plan B. For the money conscious, window reinforcement
film can be applied by the ambitious weekend warrior for a reasonable price.
Hurricane shutters also provide excellent protection as they are steel and
virtually impenetrable and are relatively cost effective. As an added bonus,
they also prevent zombies from leaving unsightly blood and flesh smudges on the
windows that must be cleaned post-apocalypse. Hard water spots and entrenched
mildew are easy to clean in comparison.
Zombies have uncommon endurance. This is bad news for most barriers. A benefit
to being undead is that one doesn't tire. One simply falls apart, literally. In
order to outlast the occupation, keep in mind that planning an escape route and
using your brain will ultimately help you keep it in your head and out of a
zombie's mouth.
After the reinforcement of a home's points of entry, the next thing a person
wants to do is devise the means by which as many zombies as possible can be
permanently killed. Avoid having any compassion or mercy on zombies as the
people they once were no longer exist. Reiterate this particular point to any
women or bleeding hearts in your survival group. Zombie experts agree that the
most effective way to end the undead is by the total elimination of the head.
Decapitation simply creates a headless zombie. Although they no longer have a
mouth to eat you with, they are probably pissed, still mobile, and therefore
still dangerous.
Booby-trapping doors and windows is
advisable. Dropping heavy objects such as pianos, couches, refrigerators, cars,
or textbooks can be somewhat effective and stylish as a zombie elimination
technique. However, crushing them doesn't always work. A shotgun to the head
usually does the trick but can be quite messy and if you're the type of person
to organize a closet by color, you probably try to avoid contact with any
questionable fluids on a regular basis. Spring-loaded spikes, trap doors,
loaded semi or fully automatic weapons, chainsaws, and other gas powered
gardening tools are usually the most effective forms of both protection and
elimination. Wood chippers and log splitters are effective and entertaining, if
you could possibly maintain a sense of humor during such an occupation, yet
more difficult to use because of the time and restraint elements necessary for
them to work as planned.
At some point, a zombie apocalypse could be a reality. Don't be caught
unprepared. Just remember that no reliable insurance company is going to add a
zombie occupation line to your policy. However, they may give you discounts for
strong, energy efficient
windows, an alarm system, and other burglary-preventative measures. It
sounds like someone has found a way to help insure your home from the undead
despite the stigma of supernatural events. Better to use your brain to protect
yourself than feed a zombie.